The new reality

I've been thinking about the changes in my life the last year. I'm not happy with where they've taken me.
I am not the person I used to be, nor the person I always wanted to be.
I am a stranger to myself.
I hear myself answer when people ask how I am doing, and I cringe inside.
I never thought I'd be the one people sortof avoid because they're so negative most of the time.
I grapple with my truth.
Some people in my small circle would say I should 'speak-forth' what I want and hope to be my reality, not state my present negative truth.
Be more upbeat. Go with the flow.
I want to- want to be like that.
However, presently, I am not.
I am tired and sore and healing and worried and afraid.
My pride takes a beating every time I go out in public and wince and jerk from the zapping pains I get down my arm and into my back and breast bone.
I want to crawl under a rock and cry every time that happens.
I do not want to be that person.
I want to be strong, and smart and capable.
This body just isnt cooperating!
I'll keep giving it time.
and I'll have to work on a new game plan in the meantime.

Moving forward, at leat a half-step

Things remain the same.
I'm thinking it may be time to do or try somthing new to see some results.
Some Physical therapy maybe.
But I'm not complaining...too much.
I am definitely changed, not as desired.
I think I will not ever be the same, but maybe thats good.
Not that the pain is good, I still can't see pain as a blessing.
Maybe someday I'll get there.
Through it all, I'm learning.
Hopefuly growing some deeper roots.

I wish I was at the beach.

Pep talk from someone who really understands

My daughter actually gave me peptalk a few days ago thats really helped.

Sitting across the table from me, she said

-"mom, youre GONNA get better. Dont you remember how I had trouble after surgery the whole year in gym class, I couldnt hang my arm down, but eventually the pain went away. Yours will go away too."

Boy, did I need to hear her say that.
See, she understands.
I'm really blessed by my kids, who unfortunatly have both had TOS (& cervical ribs)to deal with.

Several people, who are 'normal' or who have not lived with TOS, have tried to say encouraging things to me during my recuperation. But when someone who has been through what you are going through says the exact same words of encouragement-theres depth of understanding along with an empathy to the words that give them authority to authentically encourage.

So now I'm trying to change my mindset and move on with my life.
Trying to not marinate in my physical situation with TOS, but find a way to keep living.

The pain is not as bad, but still my daily companion.

Sure has a way of changing your life, pain does.

Healing takes time...and determination!

Over the past 10 months, I have been in a season of needing to gather resources, protect myself, learn, question, try to understand what TOS is doing to my body, and my life. The resources of forums and online support groups have been informative and so helpful. Some fellow TOS'ers have befriended me and been so encouraging to chat with because they understand the complexities of what we deal with.

But so much pain is expressed there, on the forums.
So much.

Now that I am experienced with TOS and surgery and it's results...
Now that I've read the articles, and chatted with fellow TOS'ers through my immediate postop healing crisis...

I don't want to be one of those people who just 'use' the forum or the people there who have befriended me.
I am not one of those people.
However, I struggle with feeling less hope instead of more each time I revisit.

I need to focus on continuing to heal.
Each person who deals with TOS has to do what is best for themself.
I don't need any more excuses in my life to feel depressed.I want to move forward, not stay stuck in "I can't live my life because of TOS" mode.
I want to have a story of hope that things can get better to share.
Even if it means a rearranged mindset and acceptance of some limitations imposed by TOS.

I've lost count, it's been 9 weeks since rib resection now.
I dont feel like anything has changed the last 3 weeks at all.
Occasional zinger electrical arm pains now post op that I didnt have before surgery.
Presurgery throbbing gone, but chest discomfort, back knife jabbers, neck pain all continue at low levels with occasional flare ups.
Only taking otc pain meds as needed...usually 1-2x daily.
My poor liver-it could be worse.
No more sling-hurts to hang down, but its bugging my shoulder to sling.

Doc gives me shoulder mri report tomorrow-and probably a pass to some other doc I am to in a hurry to go see.
I need some time.

Thats the scoop.

Crooked again

I had hoped with the rib resection that the episodes of torticollis, (a condition in which the head becomes persistently, invountarily turned to one side, often associated with painful muscle spasms) would be alleviated.

Not so, as I am dealing with just such an episode the last couple days.
All else remains pretty much the same.

That hope I've been hanging onto that "giving it time" would bring about the results I'm hoping for is quickly evaporating.

Maybe "it is what it is."

Maybe I need to do some physical therapy and work out some kinks?

I'll keep hoping, for now.