I thought

For the rest of my life, my body will be missing a bone it was born with.
My entire first rib.
Gone.
In it's place is an un-natural empty space.
I rub it, it aches.
I get pokes and zaps occasionally.
I imagine it's scar tissue forming, filling up the space, attatching and getting jerked on as I move around.

The scar in my armpit is numb.
It is painful to put on deodorant.
A nerve in the underside of my arm feels pinched most of every day.
That light, constant feeling of a needle sticking in there, then rubbing around as I move my arm.

I do not do the stretching exercises the doctor and physical therapist gave me to do.
It hurts too much, causes inflamation that send me into a whole cycle I'd rather avoid.

Although these things continue to pester me, the arm throbbing only comes on occasionally now.
My need for pain med to be able to think or function has greatly reduced, for that I am thinkful.
I thought surgery would restore me to myself.
I thought I wouldn't miss my rib.
I suppose I might not if the soreness and poking feelings didn't remind me.
I thought "hey, a little surgery and I'll be good as new!"

No.
There is no going back.
Only doing the best I can with what now is.
What more can any of us do?

If you're wondering if I am regretting surgery, I'd say that while I certainly have had those feelings during this healing process, I don't exactly feel that way right now.
I just feel a tad bit sad.
I had unrealistic expectations I suppose.

Just when you least expect it, life happens.

I feel the need to reiterate that I am keeping this blog for a dual purpose-
1. To inform and encourage others struggling with TOS.
2. To remind my forgetful self of the details of this journey, with TOS.

With that out of the way, on to the update.
I am stunned.
Things at approximately 10 months post-op have been about 90 percent.
The occasional jabbing.
The awkward numbness when applying deodorant.
The inability to look to my right or left for any prolonged period of time.
Some aching, not enough to need pain meds most days.
Much improved over the constant I-feel-like-I'm-having-a heart-attack-in-my arm-constantly feeling.

I thought I had settled into an acceptable enough place.
Out of the blue, riding around in the truck yesterday running errands with my husband, the familiar ache began.
First in the neck, then down the arm, increasing minute by minute until we had to make a run into a dollar store for some ibuprophen.

Some lunch at a nearby diner-
burger, onion rings & rootbeer if you must know, along with the pain pills were my hope for relief.
We sat in the truck and prayed together, as I felt my spirit being crushed once again by the return of this pain I thought was part of my past.
Such drastic measures I've gone to in order to be rid of this intrusion.
Hot tears stream down my face.
The questions that were dormant for just a few months, now all rise to the surface once again.
The preacher at church today said-
"God does not delight in crushing people."
I thought, really? it sure dosen't feel that way.

I want to believe in goodness.
If there is any, the source must surely be God.
So what exactly He is up to in allowing such suffering is beyond me.
But then so are alot of things.